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Trauma bonding/Authentic bonding


Chains and a heart

Healthy relationships are something that we can all agree is needed for 2024. Who wants to continue repeating cycles of hurt and pain when we know our personal lives are deserving of being seen, welcomed with acceptance, and loved. We are going to dive into two different types of bonding that seem to differentiate between how a person views themselves in a relationship.


In this example, both types of bonding- traumatic versus authentic- are going to reflect a type of attachment that is manifested with how we connect and engage with others. What I want you to do is be completely honest with yourself as we go through these examples. Some like to shy away from exploring our own participation in the toxic patterns. So instead of guilting ourselves, try instead to be present with yourself intentionally, focusing your attention inward to examine your thoughts, feelings, actions, and motivations. Unlearning and relearning patterns is a part of the game. If we are removing the stigma towards mental health it’s going to be important to remember to nurture these parts of ourselves with love, as we work through the process of change. 


Trauma bonding is reflective of an attachment created by repeating physical or emotional trauma with positive reinforcement. It can be hard to spot and even harder to break free from.


A healthy relationship makes you feel supported, secure, and confident, while a trauma bond makes you feel fearful, anxious, or put down.


Authentic bonding ensures psychological validation of intimacy of yourself reflected in the relationships around you. 


Trauma

Garage mentality, rescue me, validate my victimization. 

I know this may sound a bit rash. In no way is it meant to invalidate the personal experience. A lack mentality robs us from staying present in the moment. It supports an outdated perspective that serves no purpose in personal development.


Authentic

Showing love for myself for you to see all parts of me and learn me. Self care is more than a mani and pedi. Self care requires cultivated space within yourself to maintain boundaries of love. Within a boundary the other person does not have to do anything. Its a standard that you are holding for yourself because your growth depends on it. 


Trauma

Chaotic predictability, loads of emotional reasoning. Mindfulness practices enhances our trust in ourselves in a way that we allow permission to trust our own thoughts. Unfortunately, in trauma bonded relationships, dynamics such as gaslighting and emotional abuse contribute to our psychological issues. This keeps us in patterns leads to mistrust in ourselves.


two people holding hands
Authentic

Safe, and holding unconditional space. How amazing is the feeling of a person being there because they want to be? How grateful to experience a relationship that does not tug on guilt or shame for action? There’s psychological safety in knowing it’s okay to not be completely whole at times and having people that will never see you as less than.

Trauma

I love you=I need you 

When w e feel as though a person completes us, we are in a state of co dependency. This can lead to a person needing validation and reassurance on situations that we have the ample space to provide to ourselves emotionally. When a persons "I love you" rings with "I need you," it comes from a lack mentality.


Authentic

The relationship takes nothing away from me and nothing away from you. 

Personal development requires a level of appropriate self talk. Strengthening the route of your thinking that supports a healthy narrative lessens defense mechanisms and allows you to display authenticity in the way you communicate with others.


man and a woman
Trauma

I go against myself and ignore my needs to receive love. A lot of us play a role in others lives. When we repress our feelings and emotions in situations that we see the patterns. We are not presenting our authentic self, thus leaving ourselves open to fill the needs and demands of others despite what our souls are saying.


Authentic 

I meet my own needs to sustain my emotional wellbeing to receive and return love. We are here to live a satisfactory life. Not a sacrificial one. We have years of practice knowing how to push ourselves through the tough times. But do we know that equivocally we are allowed to nurture and pace ourselves through those times as well? Meeting your own needs, rather than relying on the actions of others cultivates space for healthier relationships free of unrealistic expectations.


Trauma

I maintain participating in the disruptive- patterns from childhood. Moving beyond the self awareness takes a level of intent that requires acceptance. The barrier with allowing the word acceptance to make a change in your life is that when people identify what the underlying issues is. We try to cognitively go back to the issue and change what happened with the hope to feel different.


Authentic

My relationships are a reflection of my own intimacy. Evidence of disrupting, unlearning and redefining my patterns, so that I feel safe enough to just be. Intimacy is not an equation to sexuality. Intimacy is a renewed and restructured way to honor yourself with minimal resistance from this within your world.  If you are what you attract and you love what you seeing, inner healing is working.


Here are a few reflection prompts to guide and navigate through deciphering our own patterns: 

  1. What are you still holding onto that supports your old identity? 

  2. How can I be impeccable with my word? 

  3. What are the signs that indicate we needs to take a break and practice self care? 


What's Next?

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